Recharger The Dog » celebrities

Shmuck Part 2

Recharger — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 14:59:33 +0000

WE ALWAYS KNEW THAT JERRY SEINFELD, APART FROM HIS TV SHOW, IS A PHONY, UNFUNNY MORON (see Recharger’s previous Seinfeld entry). What we didn’t know was that the over-the-hill standup is also that lowest of human life forms: a car collector.

In fact, the washed-up TV star is reportedly squandering his millions on one of the largest Porsche collections in the world. So large that during a period in the 90s, he rented out a hangar at the Santa Monica Airport in California to store his cars. After his return to New York, Seinfeld, at a cost of $1.4 million, commissioned the renovation of a two-story garage on West 83rd Street in Manhattan. The garage, which took two years to complete, is probably the gaudiest car-park in auto history. Floors are white terrazzo. Walls are epoxy resin panels. Cabinetry, steel shelving, and the industrial elevator are custom. Touch-screen panels on the wall control everything.

Then there’s the married Seinfeld’s upstairs bacheloresque hideaway, an 844-square-foot apartment with kitchen, bathroom, plasma screen TV, and (we really hate this) a pool table.

Seinfeld owns 47 Porsches. The collection reportedly includes vintage 911s, 10 Boxsters each painted a different color, and the famous 1955 550 Spyder. (we have no idea what any of this means, but we guess it sounds cool to brain-damaged car-philes).

The centerpiece is a $700,000 Porsche 959, one of only two hundred built.

The comedian’s biggest regret (aside from making Bee Movie) is that he can’t drive it. U.S. Emission and Crash tests were never performed because Porsche refused to donate four 959s for the destructive tests. Seinfeld imported the car for exhibition purposes, which stipulates the car may never be driven on American roads.

Now that’s funny

– Frank Collins

Bold Face Names

Recharger — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 03:40:18 +0000

Returned to Dewey’s Flatiron tonight to watch two NFL dickheads, Payton Manning and Tom Brady act all serious and shit about being tall, blond Fascists, but the crush of A-List celebrities turned the evening into a drag. First, Beyonce Knowles, fresh from somehow turning Diana Ross in the boringest caricature since DiCaprio did Howard Hughes, kept spearing our buffalo wings with two-inch laquered nails. When we protested, Britney Spears, standing to our left, stole another. By the time Hillary Rodham Clinton made her entrance with Aishwaryu Rai, our chicken was gone. “Bummer,” laughed Justin Timberlake, watching our distress while caressing the a certain ex-girlfriend’s tushie. Justin, we wanted to say, tell us all about “Dick in a box,” Paula Abdul, accompanied by Jay-z, made a noisy entrance. Paula, we asked, what about persistent rumors that you are set for rehab?

“Go fucking ask Lindsay Lohan,” she screamed.

Colts over Pats, 38-34. Pray Payton Manning gets humiliated in Miami.

Shmuck

Recharger — Sat, 16 Sep 2006 02:26:50 +0000

Please tell us Mets fans are not puffing themselves into a Yankee-style state of permanent pride/indignation. Last night, as a guest on WFAN’s Steve Somers show, uber-fan Jerry Seinfeld declared this year’s Mets, the greatest ever. Wait just a second, goes Somers, the ‘86 Mets was a great team. “But they didn’t have that wholesomeness,” says Seinfeld, who then went on to echo the party line about Delgado, Beltran, how David Wright is not just a good person, but a “fine person,” ad nauseaum.

Wholesomeness? You mean like Paul LeDuca banging barely legal girls al la Peter Cook banging Diana Bianchi? You mean like $60 bleacher seats and not letting little kids enter the box seat section in the bottom of the ninth? You mean the major’s crappiest stadium? You mean Willie Randolf pretending he’s Joe Torre (Bobby Valentine, where are you now that we need you?).

Give us a break. Personality-wise, the 2006 Mets have done the impossible:put five stars on the field even boringer than Piazza.