Shmuck Part 2

WE ALWAYS KNEW THAT JERRY SEINFELD, APART FROM HIS TV SHOW, IS A PHONY, UNFUNNY MORON (see Recharger’s previous Seinfeld entry). What we didn’t know was that the over-the-hill standup is also that lowest of human life forms: a car collector.

In fact, the washed-up TV star is reportedly squandering his millions on one of the largest Porsche collections in the world. So large that during a period in the 90s, he rented out a hangar at the Santa Monica Airport in California to store his cars. After his return to New York, Seinfeld, at a cost of $1.4 million, commissioned the renovation of a two-story garage on West 83rd Street in Manhattan. The garage, which took two years to complete, is probably the gaudiest car-park in auto history. Floors are white terrazzo. Walls are epoxy resin panels. Cabinetry, steel shelving, and the industrial elevator are custom. Touch-screen panels on the wall control everything.

Then there’s the married Seinfeld’s upstairs bacheloresque hideaway, an 844-square-foot apartment with kitchen, bathroom, plasma screen TV, and (we really hate this) a pool table.

Seinfeld owns 47 Porsches. The collection reportedly includes vintage 911s, 10 Boxsters each painted a different color, and the famous 1955 550 Spyder. (we have no idea what any of this means, but we guess it sounds cool to brain-damaged car-philes).

The centerpiece is a $700,000 Porsche 959, one of only two hundred built.

The comedian’s biggest regret (aside from making Bee Movie) is that he can’t drive it. U.S. Emission and Crash tests were never performed because Porsche refused to donate four 959s for the destructive tests. Seinfeld imported the car for exhibition purposes, which stipulates the car may never be driven on American roads.

Now that’s funny

– Frank Collins