Returned to Dewey’s Flatiron tonight to watch two NFL dickheads, Payton Manning and Tom Brady act all serious and shit about being tall, blond Fascists, but the crush of A-List celebrities turned the evening into a drag. First, Beyonce Knowles, fresh from somehow turning Diana Ross in the boringest caricature since DiCaprio did Howard Hughes, kept spearing our buffalo wings with two-inch laquered nails. When we protested, Britney Spears, standing to our left, stole another. By the time Hillary Rodham Clinton made her entrance with Aishwaryu Rai, our chicken was gone. “Bummer,” laughed Justin Timberlake, watching our distress while caressing the a certain ex-girlfriend’s tushie. Justin, we wanted to say, tell us all about “Dick in a box,” Paula Abdul, accompanied by Jay-z, made a noisy entrance. Paula, we asked, what about persistent rumors that you are set for rehab?
“Go fucking ask Lindsay Lohan,” she screamed.
Colts over Pats, 38-34. Pray Payton Manning gets humiliated in Miami.