Bring back the Taliban.

YESTERDAY, WE ATTENDED AN ANTI-VIOLENCE WORKSHOP FOR NEW YORK CITY SCHOOL TEACHERS. Being that the workshop is required for all 70,000 teachers in the largest school system in America, and being that workshops are run by the teachers union–perhaps the most empathetic and caring organization in the history of the world–and being that workshops are usually a little more interesting than a discussion about airline ticket prices, and given that every teacher pays $10 for the two-hour workshop, we didn’t expect much.

We were wrong. The workshop was fascinating. According to the workshop leader, an ancient classroom vet named Gail Kramer, here are just a few things no teacher can ever do again:

1. pat a student on the shoulder to show encouragement.

2. take a crying kindergartner onto his or her lap.

3. break up a fight

4. use the students’ bathroom

5. drink a morning coffee in front of students

6. talk in class on the cell phone

7. after being beaten into a coma by a violent student, sue the school system and expect to win money.

8. stay in school after hours to fix up the classroom or correct papers

We never thought we’d say this, but NYC teachers, who make on average, $30,000 less than their suburban brethren, have it worse than ever.

Even more interesting was Ms. Kramer’s explanation of the characteristics of violent students. Most of us put self-preservation before pride; we back down when we feel threatened. Violent students put pride before self-preservation. Furthermore, non-violent types feel more or less ok standing about three feet from another person. A violence-prone person needs 12-15 feet to feel comfortable.

Scary shit.