Pacino to Beltran: asshole…

Though our rage at Carlos Beltran’s pathetic at-bat–that cost the Mets the NLCS and a shot at the World Series–leaves us sputtering with apopletic incomprehension; we will resist the urge to to morph into a sadistic Little League coach screaming, “Get the fucking bat off your fucking shoulder, you fucking fuck! You can’t fucking hit the fucking ball if the fucking bat is on your fucking shoulder!”

Instead, hoping to capture our shock, our disdain, our disgust at Beltran’s Kenny Rogers imitation, Recharger has invited Willie Randolf to channel Al Pacino from our very favoritist scene from Glengarry Glen Ross.

Randolf:
(to Beltran)
You stupid fucking cunt. You,
Beltran…I’m talking to you,
shithead…You just cost me half a million dollars.
(pause)
Half million dollars. And one
World Series ring. That’s right. What are
you going to do about it? What are
you goin to do about it, asshole.
You fucking shit. Where did you
learn your trade. You stupid
fucking cunt. You idiot. Whoever
told you you could work with men?

Beltran:
Could I…

Randolf:
I’m going to have your job, shithead.
I’m going downtown and talk to
Wilpon and Minaya, and I’m going to
Wilpon Jr. I don’t care whose nephew
you are, who you know, whose dick
you’re sucking on. You’re going
out, I swear to you, you’re going…

Beltran:
Could I…

Randolf:
Anyone in this clubhouse lives on
their wits…
What you’re hired for is to help
us–does that seem clear to you?
To help us. Not to fuck us up…to
help men who are going out there to
try to earn a living. You fairy.
You company man…I’ll tell you
something else. I hope you misread the signs. I can tell Minaya something might help
him catch you.
You want to learn the first rule
you’d know if you ever spent a day
in your life…you never step up to the plate till you know what the shot
is.
(pause)
You fucking child…